There is, I think, a moment in every Christian's life, when Jesus Christ stops being an idea but becomes a reality. For some it is something that happens without the person even realizing it. For others, like myself, there is a conscientious moment when the realization sets in that Jesus Christ and the Gospel is not a "nice idea" but a truth; a reality. For me, it was all thanks to a priest named Father Richard Felt.
When I had been confirmed in the Catholic Church I had become a member of the One, Holy, Catholic and, Apostolic Church, I stood up on the altar and made my profession of faith: "That everything the Church taught and believed, was revealed by God", and this of course meant that everything was true. To be clear, this is a profession I will proudly say again and again and am willing to lose my life for. Since I was a convert, I was fairly well catechized, I knew what the Church taught and I knew it well. I could explain the creed and its necessity and origin. I knew where in Sacred Scripture to find proofs for the teachings and doctrine of the Church, I KNEW MY FAITH but I hadn't experienced it.
A few years and some poorly thought out decisions later, I found myself in a relationship that was far from what would be considered the standard of a good and holy. I was living with my fiance and we had our first child. Now for anybody who is unfamiliar with Catholic teaching, co-habitation is a no no. But due to our financial circumstances my fiance and I had to live together for the sake of raising our child. The situation was not ideal but it was necessary. Having an unplanned pregnancy was also a wake-up call for the both of us. We needed to stop making the same mistakes which led us to our circumstances and begin to love each other enough to remain chaste. Like faithful Catholics we still attended Mass every Sunday, even though we had to withhold from receiving Holy Communion due to our living situation. I can honestly say nothing was more painful than watching my future wife sitting next to me at Mass and being on the verge of tears because Jesus was right there in front of her and yet out of reach. It was not only difficult to see her so distraught, it was also difficult for me to understand why there was such an emotional reaction from her, after all I knew my faith, I knew what we were missing out on.
While I was sitting in my car one evening waiting to go into work (this was one of the few times I was actually early to work) my best friend called me. I had told him about our plight and how we had to refrain from partaking in the sacraments of the Church because of our living situation and after-all, I knew my faith. However, it was at this point when, like Saint Paul, I was knocked off my horse by some Good News. He told me as long as we were living together out of necessity and not convenience and living like brother and sister (do I really need to explain what that means?) we could receive our sacraments. I couldn't wait to tell my fiance the good news. However, me being me, I had to make absolutely sure he was telling the truth. A few days later I decided to stop in at my parish and speak to our pastor and see if my friend was indeed correct.
I was very fortunate when I arrived. I didn't make an appointment and I didn't even know if Fr. Felt would be in or available. As providence would have it, not only was he there, the person he was supposed to see at the same time I arrived called and canceled. I told the receptionist I would like to speak with Fr. Felt and he came out right away and took me into his office.
"What can I do for you?, he asked. I sat there and told him our situation. I told him that my future wife and I were living together, that we had an unplanned child out of wedlock and that we hungered to receive Jesus in the sacrament of Holy Communion but couldn't due to our living situation.
He sat at his desk listening to me patiently and after a moment of silence he replied. With a smile he asked, "Are you living as brother and sister?", I nodded yes and he said "Your friend is right ya know? You can go to Reconciliation and receive Our Lord in the Eucharist. But you have to make a promise to Our Lord that you will remain faithful to him and chaste until your wedding day". He looked down at me through his glasses which were placed on the lower part of his nose and wagged his finger and told me "do not be fickle with the promises you make to Our Lord, if you make a promise intend to keep it, he will be faithful to you, so be faithful to him. Now would you like me to hear your confession?"
I was walking out to my car after my confession and was excited to tell my fiance the good news that we could in fact receive Our Lord in the Eucharist. It was at this moment right before I called her that reality hit me. How could I not have seen it before? After all I KNEW MY FAITH! It was two words Father Felt kept saying "Our Lord".
His words kept echoing in my head: "Our Lord". He said it like it wasn't a choice. As if this is how he always addressed Jesus, with respect and with reverence. Almost as if he was...real. I mean if He appeared before you, wouldn't you repeat the words of St. Thomas "My Lord, My God!"? Then it hit me, and I almost fell over, My Lord.
I had been drifting in my faith not living it, just drifting. Jesus was an idea, a great idea but he wasn't a reality he was an abstraction. He was a man who existed two-millennia ago and the Church was his legacy and His way of carrying on His message and His truth. I knew ABOUT Him, but did I KNOW Him? How could I not? No matter how many times I had been in his presence he was never mine. It wasn't until that moment I realized that Our Lord, whether you choose to accept Him or not, is a reality.
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How my life has changed since that moment! Though I am far from perfect as my wife will attest, I can honestly say that the man who walked into Father Felt's office is not the same man who is sitting and typing out this blog. I no longer just know my faith but experience it daily. I finally understand the tears that were being shed by my fiance at the time. When you accept the reality of Jesus, that he really is the Son of God and wants you to let him in, I promise you will not be disappointed. God is never outdone in generosity. Our faith is not just something nice to know, it is how life should be lived. With Our Lord at the front and us following Him. If you find yourself reciting the creed instead of proclaiming it, following along in the Gloria instead of singing it at the top of your lungs and if you feel that even though you know what the Church teaches and are still reluctant to change yourself, stop and remember that whether you accept it or not Jesus Christ is Our Lord. It is never too late to let Jesus in and allow him to change you.
Even some of the great Saints took some time before they realized the reality of Our Lord. As St, Augustine once wrote:
"Late have I loved you,
Beauty so ancient and so new,
late have I loved you!
Lo, you were within,
but I outside, seeking there for you,
and upon the shapely things you have made
I rushed headlong,
I, misshapen.
You were with me but I was not with you.
They held me back far from you,
those things which would have no being
were they not in you.
You called, shouted, broke through my deafness;
you flared, blazed, banished my blindness;
you lavished your fragrance,
I gasped, and now I pant for you;
I tasted you, and I hunger and thirst;
you touched me, and I burned for your peace".
Two words was all it took for my reality check. What is it going to take for yours? We only have one life. Don't drift through it, live through it.
